The Paddle Ball
by DarkCommander
Summary: What happens when Roy, Envy, and Ed get their stressfull hands on a paddle ball? Read to find out! RoyxRiza EnvyxEd
1. Chapter 1 Roy

Disclaimer: I wish I owned Fullmetal Alchemist. But I don't.

Roy Mustang was having a bad day. To start off the day a dog thought he was a fire hydrant. Then, during lunch, he was greeted by a hail of Elcia pictures. Roy almost burned Maes Hughes into ash. Now he was doing his least favorite thing in the world: paperwork.

Riza Hawkeye stood guard by the colonel to make sure he wasn't slacking off. One time Riza Hawkeye walked through the door to see Roy Mustang looking at dirty magazines. Another time he was found drawing a picture of her stripping off a colorless bra. Who knew the man had such drawing talent. She almost blew his head off that day. So she swore never to leave his side until his paperwork was done; much to Mustang's dismay.

"Sir I have a present for you." Said Hawkeye. Roy's face brightened up. "What is it?" asked Roy Mustang. _"Oh god please let it be a break from this wretched paperwork" _thought Roy. "Here it is. I hope you like it." Said Riza handing Roy a wrapped gift. "Hmmmmmm, I wonder what it is." Said Roy. He unwrapped the gift and opened the box. In it was a paddle ball. "A paddle ball?" said a confused Roy Mustang. "Yes sir a paddle ball. This should help you relieve some stress." "How can this help me relieve some stress?" asked Roy Mustang. "Just try it, or else." She pointed to her gun. Rou sighed. _"I forgot; who was the superior again?" _thought Roy. He started to paddle the ball. The paddle ball hit his nose. "Dammit!" cursed Roy. He was about to throw the paddle ball out the window when he remembered the gun. Soon Roy got the hang of it and started to paddle the ball over and over again. He forgot about his paperwork again and now he was busy playing with the paddle ball. _"Oh you have got to be kidding Me." _thought an annoyed Riza Hawkeye. "Sir I'm afraid the paddle ball is starting to distract you from your paperwork. I'm sorry but you're going to have to give it to Me." said Riza. "But Riza I just got the hang of it!" whined Roy. "Sir, give it to me right now!" said Riza with a booming voice. Roy reluctantly gave it to Riza and she threw it in the trash can.

Just then the Fuhrer King Bradley came in. "I overheard the conversation the two of you were having. How about the two take a little break. Ill let you do the rest of the paperwork tomorrow." Smiled the Fuhrer. "THANK YOU! THANK YOU!" Roy Mustang was about to hug King Bradley. But he sidestepped and Roy Mustang hit the ground with a loud 'THUMP!' "Thank you Fuhrer." Said Riza saluting. "I think the two of you make a lovely couple. So I thought I should give you two a little time together." Roy and Hawkeye blushed. Then Roy and Riza left. When the door closed the Fuhrer locked it so nobody could see it was really Envy in disguise. He took the paddle ball out of the trash can. "I guess it wouldn't hurt to bring it home" said Envy. Just then he heard the door try and open. "Hey Roy are you finished with your paperwork yet? Cause I have a little errand for you down in Eastern Headquarters." It was the real Fuhrer. "I sent Roy on a little vacation." Replied Envy. "Envy? Is that you? What are you doing here?" asked Bradley. "I came to keep an eye on the pipsqueak." Replied Envy. "Oh." With that Bradley was off to his office. "Pride is such a momma's boy sometimes it's amazing." With that Envy opened the window and leaped out of it. Some soldiers noticed it but they were at a loss of words when they laid eyes on Envy. They were surprised because they couldn't tell if it was a boy or a girl. "What are you looking at?" asked Envy with a smirk on his face. Then he jumped on top of the roof and was off to search for his chibi-san.


	2. Chapter 2: Envy and Ed

**Disclaimer: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist**

As Envy jumped from rooftop to rooftop he started to get hungry. He took out a handful of red stones and ate it all in one gulp. The city of Central was very dreadful during the summer. But it beats being fried in Dublith. The building he was heading for was "The Central Hotel of Central". "_Catchy name." _Envy thought. "_So this is where Mr. Pipsqueak is staying."_ As usual Envy jumped on top of the ledge. He looked to see if anybody was in the room. The room had no color to it. There was a brown table, a closet with a mirror on it, a green ice bucket to keep her food preserved, a stove, a bed with green covers and a very lovely picture of purple flowers inside a vase. "_How dull looking."_ Thought Envy

Envy opened the window and silently crept in. When he was in he closed the window with a 'SLAM!' _"Whoops, my bad" _Envy thought to himself. He looked the window for just a moment, when he saw his least favorite character…..Edward. _"What I would do to skin him……alive." _The thought of skinning Edward alive and hearing his bloody screams of mercy put a smile on Envy's face. Envy took a look around the room, deciding to see what his guest was he opened the closet. What he found was a long red coat with a symbol of a snake wrapping itself on a cross, a black sleeveless shirt and some of Edward's pictures of him and Winry at Central Park. "_Awwwwwww how cute. Not only am I in a midget's room but now I have found out his little love affair." _But for some strange reason, he imagined himself in the picture. "_Ewes." _Thought Envy. He could never imagine himself with Ed. Now Envy started to talk to himself out loud. "Since this is FullMetal short's room I might as well wait for him." Envy then took out his paddle ball. Since the old bitch Dante wouldn't let him go outside unless it was for a mission then he would play with his paddleball. He was pretty good at playing paddleball too. He would play for hours on end. Usually though he would mess with Wrath saying that his mommy would never come back. And he would say how he was useless and how he would end up begging for food He also enjoyed picking on Greed by turning into a woman and started stripping in front of him. It was hilarious on how much Greed's leg began to shake. But soon he heard the door open and was greeted by an angry look. "Envy!" Ed yelled. What the hell are you doing here!?" "I could ask you the same thing you short pipsqueak." Said Envy in his usual sly tone. Edward reached his usual boiling point. "WHO THE HELL ARE YO CALLING SO SHORT THAT A INFANT IS TALLER!?!?!?!?!" yelled Edward. Envy just kept paddling his paddleball. "You know I think I might do something different to you to get a little information out of you." Envy continued. "I got this idea from the paddleball." Then Envy approached Ed with a sly smile on his face.

-_5 minutes later-_

When Alphonse got back to the room he thought Edward had gone mad. For what he saw were two men on the bed kissing. But it seemed Ed wanted to get out of it. When Alphonse left the room in a state of shock Envy let his lips part from Ed's. "Now tell me what you know about the Philosopher's Stone." said Envy. "Never!" replied Ed gasping for breath. "Fine then I guess that I'll have to seduce you even more. Oh and Ed, do you want to see if this is a boy form or a girl form?" Envy smiled knowing that he had won the battle. Edward now had a face of fear on. "FINE THEN YOU WIN JUST DON"T SHOW WHAT YOU'RE ABOUT TO SHOW ME!!!" cried Ed. "Speak or else." Envy said. "We….." "Yes?'' "We haven't made any progress." Ed said in a whisper. Envy just smiled. "Okay then; that's understandable. Now tell me this." Envy showed a picture of Winry to Ed. "Who is this girl?" Envy asked. "She's…..she's my…." Ed couldn't believe he was doing with this. "She is my mechanic." "Nothing else?" "No." replied Ed. "That's a good boy" said Envy patting Ed's head. "As a reward I am giving you this paddleball." He then handed Ed his paddleball. "Heheheh this is how I get a lot of my ideas. By playing paddleball." With that Envy jumped out of the window and left without a moment's notice. When Edward finally got his shirt on he saw Alphonse in the room. He saw the whole thing unfold in front of him right before his very eyes.

"Now Alphonse it's just a misunderstanding. Please don't get the idea." Said Ed trying to comfort his younger brother.

"Then tell me why didn't you just push him off?" asked Alphonse

"I panicked Al." said Ed.

"I…guess I should believe you." Said Al staring at the wooden brown floor.

"That you should." Said Edward.

-_Meanwhile at Central Train station-_

"All aboard to Rush Valley!" yelled the train conductor.

"_Its time for me to look for the pipsqueak's girlfriend" _thought Envy

Envy was still in his favorite green-haired form. Only he was wearing a business suit. He wore all Grey except for his inside shirt and his tie. The inside shirt and tie were violet. He stole the suit at a clothes store. He wanted that suit ever since he layed his eyes upon it in the "Dress for Special Occasions" store. He pretended to be a State Alchemist. (Preferably Edward Elric) and since he was the "FullMetal Alchemist" the suit was free. But the lady asked him why he needed that suit because it was too big for him. He just answered "It's for a friend." Envy tied his green hair into a ponytail like Ed's. The only difference was that it wasn't braded. With that, Envy left for Rush Valley in search of Edward's mechanic.

**I will take a break from this story for a while and start Envy's little adventure called "The Envious Mechanic" It takes place where Envy left off in search of Winry. Keep a sharp eye out for it. You never know when I update. **


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